The Marriage Problem (Pt 2): Marriage is NOT Happily Ever After
This is part 2 of the Marriage Problem in Calvary Temple. This has come from talking to a number of people who have struggled with marriage in Calvary Temple , because of the system that has been created. The hope is that it opens the door for a conversation, by putting real people’s struggles out in the open while being anonymous.
When you first get married in Calvary, it is the highest of highs. It's not just a validation of the connection you have with a person, it's also a validation of the growth that you have had in your life. Rarely is there a marriage where we don't laud the bride or groom for really having changed into a true man or woman of God in the last "x" amount of years. That growth is supposed to be what propels us into being model leaders of our homes or submissive keepers of our homes. But for many reasons, we have not given our marriages a fair shot:
We walked in blind to our marriages: I have spoken with many couples that feel this way in secret. Does your man have a porn problem? Does he play video games throughout all of his spare time? Am I stuck with a guy who truly only likes to hear himself talk? It doesn't matter. You are stuck. You never had the opportunity to learn a lot about him. Does your girl fart at wrong times, or is her mother overly controlling? You won't have the opportunity to even be annoyed by this until you say, "I do". Many of our marriages are forced because we never had an opportunity to truly know our mate before we married them. Now we have to grit our teeth and be happy for the mate that was brought to us by following a certain set of principles.
Sexual chemistry is important: One of the most difficult things in a marriage is if two people are incompatible sexually. When the two of you kiss, are there sparks? Does she moan in an annoying way, or is she not attractive to you? Is his "assets" adequate for what you need? We NEVER talk about this in Calvary, and we are never taught how to deal with this in church. In fact, we are encouraged to never talk about it. Consequently, some of us really enjoy our sex lives, while others of us feel like all1we may never know what good sex feels like.
Financial stability really does matter: Growing up, we've been taught that financial stability does not matter nearly as much as spiritual compatibility. But the number one cause of divorce is bad finances. Finance contributes to stress. Stress can only be managed so much. If you're giving 15 to 20 percent of your income to the church, your relationship can become even more contentious. We have been counseled in the past to feel free to get married when the time is right. Forget finances, forget practicality. This is not realistic, and it sets our children up for failure in the future. Finances matter.
Marriage in CT Is Hit or Miss: We often promote Calvary Temple marriage as the height of spiritual success. Two virgins, under God, ready to be the next generation of spiritual champions and paired to create little spiritual babies. At times this truly happens. Two people, pure of heart can make a marriage work. However there are many times that this is NOT happening behind the scenes. It's rarely spoken about, but there are a number of couples who are genuinely unhappy. The reasons leadership will give us is that we are not spiritually strong enough. What is never admitted is that there are a number of marriages that should never have been placed together. Many of us recognize them as soon as they happen. Those marriages that make no sense. But we cheer for it because marriage is always a good thing, right?
Pastor has often referenced arranged marriages as being an acceptable method of finding a mate. This idea tends to make the method of CT marriage seem almost liberal and, at the very least, acceptable. A person can choose almost any potential CT single and make it work because that other person has the same principles. And while the principles are important, personalities must be accounted for, evaluated, and tested for compatibility over longer period of time than a one-month engagement.
For those marriages that are humming away with no issue, I don't mean to cast aspersions upon something that works. But for those who have felt like their marriage is like fitting a square peg into a round hole, you should know that you are not the only one. Many people have left because of this feeling. Others have repressed their emotions and attempted to maintain a good face. Much like a political marriage, you and your SO are bound together. If you split, one or both of you will be grossly embarrassed, and your social and spiritual status will be called into question. Staying together for the society. Obviously it's clear that I myself have been unsuccessfully navigating this feeling. That tightrope of acting like everything is fine while maintaining your sanity is a frustrating walk. Whether it be because your family is still in the church, you don't believe in divorce, or you have children that would be affected by this decision, I wish you the best in this small, frustrating world we live.
